I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Randomize
