Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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