I accidentally had phone sex last night
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
