If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
