god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
