How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
