Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
