Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
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