she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
