Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
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Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
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If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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