So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
