Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
