I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
