that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
