I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
