and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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