I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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