no, he came in my armpit
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
