FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
