Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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