mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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