Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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