I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I'm always down for nudity.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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