So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I didn't notice because vodka
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
