Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize
