she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
