just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
