he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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