you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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