I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
