the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
