Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
