I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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