I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
