I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
