get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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