in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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