I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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