Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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