you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
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she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
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WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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