he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
