ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
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so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
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Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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