Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
