Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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