I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize
