I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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