You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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