Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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