Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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