Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
