I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
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The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
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...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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