Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
