when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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