all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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