I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
