my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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