I haven't been this sober since birth.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
