And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
