Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
