Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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